Sunday, March 4, 2007

Rooted

Chakras are important to me. All my life, and I do mean since I was under five, I have felt my own power and energy. It was stronger when I was younger and free. It became truly confined while I was married to someone who thought such thinking was at beast weird.

Everything is energy. Everything. And energy cannot be destroyed, only transmuted. It is through energy we connect to the world and to others around us.

Chakras are centers of energy in our body, each center governs certain aspects of our bodies and our souls. While looking for information on balancing them, I ran across a small seemingly silly test of how well your chakras are balanced.

I had one terrible underactive. My root chakra.

The root chakra is at the base of your spine and it reflects how secure and safe you feel with your place in the world. If you feel you have a place or not. It is usually formed between the ages of five and seven.

Around my fifth year, both my parents were very ill at different times. First my father almost died from a heart problem that was never diagnosed his entire life. He had periods of tachacardia. His heart would race and the first time he almost died was when I was five. I couldn't even visit him in ICU, as it wasn't allowed.

Thankfully he came home. It was after that my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Since my father was retired Army, we saw military doctors. Oklahoma City didn't have the facilities to treat momma, so she went off to San Antonio. She was away about 6 weeks getting radiation treatments. My father couldn't stay away from work that long. We stayed at home.

During my marriage I invested ALL of me into making it work, making myself fit in. It was an alien world to me that I wasn't ever quite comfortable in. But it was my world. I was Margaret Zick. then the divorce came and I lost all of that, I took my maiden name back and lost my home, and all of my friends for the last 13 years.

I was uprooted, swaying in the wind trying to find a nice spot to grow during the next phase of my life. So of course I was the perfect target for a lover turned stalker. Being stalked physically for several years, being afraid of going even to the grocery store, and even after leaving there being harassed by phone and email, well, it never allowed me to grow.

My roots have shriveled and turned to dust. I don't have any place I feel is home, I haven't had it for several years. I thought the stalker had made me afraid of him, but the isolation it brings has taken away my feeling of safety anywhere.

So I live with daily anxiety and depression, I truly believe results from my own lack of a home base, a place of acceptance and love, a place of safety that I can retreat to and enjoy. That feeling is currently so foreign to me, it is a nebulous memory that I can't quite grasp anymore.

I need something to stimulate that root chakra, to stimulate my own roots so I can learn to build my own haven from the world, that also connects me to it.